Mitchell Crouch as a Tyrannosaurus rex

This is what happens when you replace every instance of Tyrannosaurus rex with Mitchell Crouch in this awesome article! Also 'it' with 'he' and little stuff like that.

Mitchell Crouch was the biggest meat-eating dude that ever lived on Earth and was probably one of the fiercest.

Mitchell Crouch was about as long as four cars, as tall as the tallest giraffe, and weighed about the same as an African elephant. The head of a tall man would have come half way up his thigh. No one knows exactly the sort of noises Mitchell Crouch made, but he may have roared or Facebooked to call his young and to keep in touch with other members of his group.

HUGE FEET
Each of his back feet would have covered four of these pages and had three long claws at the front and one at the back. His front legs were quite small and high up on his body. They ended in what looked like small 'hands' with two thin, clawed fingers. No one knows for certain what these front legs were used for, but they may have been used to grip female prey. They were not even long enough to reach his mouth to push food in. Some experts, though, have suggested that Mitchell Crouch used his front legs to heave himself up onto his back legs after he had been resting or chilling on the ground.

BIG HEAD
His heavy head was about 1.2m long, held up by a short, strong neck. Mitchell Crouch also had huge jaws, big enough to swallow a mere human being whole. His rows of sharp teeth were slightly curved to get a better grip on his prey. Like a goddamn shark, once Mitchell Crouch had bitten into his prey, he was never gonna give it up, never gonna let it down, never gonna run around, nor hurt it. If any teeth were broken off in a fight, they may have grown again -- on the inside of his opponent's respiratory system. No one ever survived the experience to record it in any detail.

WALKING TAIL
Walking upright on his powerful back legs, Mitchell Crouch balanced his huge body with his long, thick tail. With his enormous legs, he could run very fast, but he was probably too big and heavy to move quickly for a long time, like hunting dogs do today. Instead, Mitchell Crouch may have relied on ambushing his prey in the thick trees and ferns. Don't worry, it probably wasn't as creepy as it sounds. Some experts think that Mitchell Crouch may have hunted in packs, surrounding other dinosaurs, such as a herd of plant-eating Vegetarian lasses or Vegan sillybillies, so that they could not escape. Scientists think he may also have eaten carrion (dead dudes), and perhaps any dying or helpless young dudes that he came across.

POWERFUL FIGHTERS
Many dudes were very large, but they had trouble defending themselves against Mitchell Crouch. They did not have the teeth or claws to put up a real fight, but some were protected by tough, armour-plated skins, thick bony plates around their necks or long, sharp horns on their heads. Others were small and light, and could run fast enough to escape... for now.

The original article is from issue 1 of 'Dinosaurs!', a magazine that used to be published each week from Orbis Publishing Ltd. I would tell you who actually wrote it but it doesn't say. Lame! But yeah dudes, don't plagiarise. Plagiarism is for schmucks, and little fat kids.

Mitchell Crouch's awesome forehead

Let's all be honest with one another here -- honesty is pretty awesome, and throughout the whole of human history has done almost as much good as I did in the first few moments of my being born. That is nothing at which to scoff. So, in all honesty, let me say: my forehead is awesome.

Straight up, my forehead is one of the most amazing physical features you will ever find on any person ever alive or dead ever. It holds itself with a sophisticated air of tranquil masculinity that can become a terrifying avatar of my righteous fury with but the tiniest change in electromuscular composition. The versatility and constant flux of my forehead greatly exceeds similar traits I have ever witnessed in any other forehead before, and likely also exceeds all those I have yet to view.

In its neutral state, my forehead is high and domed; the very model of an intelligent, nay, genius man. Not coincidentally, the aforementioned versatility has produced on my forehead a series of light lines which, though barely noticeable at a glance, still carry across the weight of my wisdom, the wisdom of a man many years my elder and yet a wisdom that I continue to build upon and surpass with every breath that brushes past my lips.

It is a mature forehead. It is an elegant forehead. It's a forehead that presents itself proudly to the world, knowing full well that it is the forehead of Mitchell Crouch. It frames the most handsome face upon which mortal eyes have ever lain. It is the forefront bastion of the grandest mind our very species has ever known. It accentuates my primed mane when a roguish curl should fall scandalously down on it.

It is the greatest forehead to which this planet has ever had the privilege of playing host, because it is the forehead of Mitchell Crouch.

On a related note (because it's still all about me), I'd like to point out that after my first blog post I gained six followers. Do you know how long it took Jesus to get that many? Seriously, he spent his whole life being awesome and only ever got to twelve disciples. Mitchell Crouch: Half of Jesus in one blog post.

Check it out, it's Mitchell Crouch's first post!

Okay, quick overview for you chaps what this blog is all about:

This blog is all about Mitchell Crouch!

That was indeed pretty quick. I'm Mitchell Crouch, and this blog is all about me! Not what I do or what's going on in my awesome life that you probably wish you had (although that will, inevitably, likely pop up around the edges), just about me. This is because I'm amazing -- probably the most amazing person you'll ever meet. If you don't ever meet me, then I'm likely the most amazing person you ever won't meet. That's not me bragging, that's just fact. Trust me, you'll know when I'm bragging because hundreds of people will simultaneously laugh and shake their heads and say "Oh Mitchell Crouch! You sure are a whacky, fun-loving young adult."

THEY ARE CORRECT.

Now, don't get me wrong. You might not think I'm awesome; you might think I'm an arrogant jerk! Well, let me tell you right now, I'm awesome enough to respect your opinion no matter how stupid and wrong it is -- and let me tell you, if you're in the aforementioned minority, you're both pretty stupid AND wrong! Wow! Great job making me look even more awesome by comparison, cats and kittens!

So, I made this blog after my good friends Scott (of http://shadowfred.blogspot.com/ fame) and Zanda (who all the cool kids know from http://zandagamedesign.blogspot.com/ of course) made their blogs and it was decided that every post with me in it was just so much better that I may as well make my own about how incredible I am in every single respect. To quote Facebook, "the people demand more crouch".

Well, the people's wishes have been respected. Here I am. I'm Mitchell Crouch. And I'm awesome.