Mitchell Crouch as a Tyrannosaurus rex

This is what happens when you replace every instance of Tyrannosaurus rex with Mitchell Crouch in this awesome article! Also 'it' with 'he' and little stuff like that.

Mitchell Crouch was the biggest meat-eating dude that ever lived on Earth and was probably one of the fiercest.

Mitchell Crouch was about as long as four cars, as tall as the tallest giraffe, and weighed about the same as an African elephant. The head of a tall man would have come half way up his thigh. No one knows exactly the sort of noises Mitchell Crouch made, but he may have roared or Facebooked to call his young and to keep in touch with other members of his group.

HUGE FEET
Each of his back feet would have covered four of these pages and had three long claws at the front and one at the back. His front legs were quite small and high up on his body. They ended in what looked like small 'hands' with two thin, clawed fingers. No one knows for certain what these front legs were used for, but they may have been used to grip female prey. They were not even long enough to reach his mouth to push food in. Some experts, though, have suggested that Mitchell Crouch used his front legs to heave himself up onto his back legs after he had been resting or chilling on the ground.

BIG HEAD
His heavy head was about 1.2m long, held up by a short, strong neck. Mitchell Crouch also had huge jaws, big enough to swallow a mere human being whole. His rows of sharp teeth were slightly curved to get a better grip on his prey. Like a goddamn shark, once Mitchell Crouch had bitten into his prey, he was never gonna give it up, never gonna let it down, never gonna run around, nor hurt it. If any teeth were broken off in a fight, they may have grown again -- on the inside of his opponent's respiratory system. No one ever survived the experience to record it in any detail.

WALKING TAIL
Walking upright on his powerful back legs, Mitchell Crouch balanced his huge body with his long, thick tail. With his enormous legs, he could run very fast, but he was probably too big and heavy to move quickly for a long time, like hunting dogs do today. Instead, Mitchell Crouch may have relied on ambushing his prey in the thick trees and ferns. Don't worry, it probably wasn't as creepy as it sounds. Some experts think that Mitchell Crouch may have hunted in packs, surrounding other dinosaurs, such as a herd of plant-eating Vegetarian lasses or Vegan sillybillies, so that they could not escape. Scientists think he may also have eaten carrion (dead dudes), and perhaps any dying or helpless young dudes that he came across.

POWERFUL FIGHTERS
Many dudes were very large, but they had trouble defending themselves against Mitchell Crouch. They did not have the teeth or claws to put up a real fight, but some were protected by tough, armour-plated skins, thick bony plates around their necks or long, sharp horns on their heads. Others were small and light, and could run fast enough to escape... for now.

The original article is from issue 1 of 'Dinosaurs!', a magazine that used to be published each week from Orbis Publishing Ltd. I would tell you who actually wrote it but it doesn't say. Lame! But yeah dudes, don't plagiarise. Plagiarism is for schmucks, and little fat kids.